• Sheehan Planas-Arteaga

The 2018 Migrant Caravan Draft Class

With the first pick, in the 2018 Migrant Caravan Draft, South Dakota selects...

As you may have heard, members of the caravan that has been methodically making its way Northward have begun reaching our Southern borders. Reports have said that this massive group of people, roughly 7,000 or so, are largely composed of asylum-seekers from impoverished Latin American countries like Honduras, El Salvador, and Guatemala. Many of them are agricultural workers and tradespersons, which happens to be an area of need in this country...

This leads me to this fun idea that President Trump, if he has an innovative or humorous bone in his body, will immediately employ. He himself has admitted that the United States could use some of these workers. Why not treat them like incoming NFL, NBA, NHL, or MLB players and have a 50-state Caravan Draft?

Say there's 7,000 of them. You figure a couple thousand of them are children who can't work yet or elderly people whose working days are behind them (we'll call them non-draft eligible). This leaves around 5,000 potential contributors to each state, which would produce 100 rounds. Just like in major professional sports, the shittier teams (or states) would pick first. Sorry, but it appears North and South Dakota have been tanking for some time in preparation for this loaded incoming draft class. We'll say New York picks last.

The reports have said that they are largely farmers and tradespersons, correct? Well the scouts want to see just how good of farmers or tradespersons they are. The 2018 Migrant Caravan Draft Combine will involve incoming migrants being separated by their occupation, then put through a series of drills to determine their mettle in their respective fields, no pun intended.

After about a week or so of extensive scouting, the 2018 Migrant Caravan Draft is ready to begin...


PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP approaches the lectern on the stage set at midfield. A loud mixture of boos and cheers rains down upon him.


"I want to extend a tremendous thank you to all the wonderful people who have participated in our inaugural Migrant Caravan Draft. I want to welcome all of these talented workers to the wonderful AT&T Stadium."

Crowd cheers


"And now, with the first pick, of the 2018 Caravan Draft, South Dakota selects...Roberto Suarez, Sorghum Farmer, Honduras."

Crowd erupts as the camera cuts to a Honduran man with his head in his hands, his wife and children draped all over him.

He finally collects himself and walks onstage to greet President Trump, who aggressively shakes his hand and snaps a photo with him. They are both holding a #1 jersey with the state flag of South Dakota on it.

Camera cuts to a panel of draft experts. We'll say it's Chris Berman, Todd McShay, and Mel Kiper Jr.


"Well, gentlemen? Really no surprise here at #1 for South Dakota is there?"


"No absolutely not, Boom. You look at the consistent production year after year from Suarez, comes from a long line of sorghum farmers, so you love the pedigree. Really a great pick for a state looking to fortify their cereal crop market in the years to come."


"How 'bout you, Todd?"


"Yeah, you know, I do like the pick but the one thing that makes me question it a bit is the age of Suarez. At 31, he's on the older side in this draft, so it really comes down to how long he can keep this kind of elite production up. In the short term though, there's no denying his uncanny eye for sorghum. His intangibles just left scouts floored at the combine."


"A solid pick for the Mount Rushmore state, to be sure."

Berman reaches up to touch his ear piece, taking a few seconds to listen in.


"And it appears, gentlemen, that we already have our first trade of the draft. I'm being told that Montana has moved up from #4 to #2 in a trade with North Dakota. They are reportedly sending their #4 pick, along with their 6th and 7th round picks, to North Dakota in order to move up those two spots. Wow. Already some fireworks. Thoughts?"


"Well it's definitely a gutsy move here, Boom. I saw this as a deep draft with a lot of potential for value in the later rounds when you look at the huge variety of crop specialists out there, but I think they're moving up to snag Gonzalez, the carpenter out of El Salvador."


"It has to be Gonzalez here. I talked to a couple Montana scouts and he earned absolutely rave reviews from them. They fell in love with this kid's hands, and at 22, they feel he still has a lot of room for growth."


"We will find out right now, as President Trump returns to the stage."

Camera cuts to President Trump.


"In a trade with North Dakota, Montana has swapped its 1st, 6th, and 7th round picks in exchange for Montana's 1st round pick. Really a tremendous trade made by wonderful people."

He pauses


"With the 2nd pick, in the 2018 Caravan Draft, Montana selects, Raul Gonzalez, Carpenter, El Salvador."

Camera cuts to a burly El Salvadorian man pointing skyward as he struts towards the stage. Donald Trump gives him a handshake, but Gonzalez brings him in for the bro-hug as well.

Camera cuts back to the panel.


"He's got a little bit of swagger to him, ay boys?"


"He knows exactly how good he is and so does Montana. They're gonna need talented handymen like him if they are looking to improve their housing industry."


"I saw a lot of projections that had Gonzalez going #1. I personally had him at 5. I just think he tends to freelance a bit too much on jobs for my liking, but perhaps that can be attributed to his age. Montana is certainly paying a hefty price to scoop this kid up, so they are hoping he develops into a complete carpenter."

And that is how it will go on until every member of the caravan is selected, meaning each state will end up taking about 100 or so workers and their families (nothing they can't handle). The migrants are given signing bonuses, salaries, the whole nine. Are there bad people amongst these migrants? Of course there are. You better believe one of them is going to end up as Mr. or Mrs. Irrelevant.

The point is though, it would stop a lot of the needless bitching from both sides over this caravan. Do the right thing, Mr. Trump. A lot of those supposed "bad hombres" could really do some good here.

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