100 Miami Athletes to Take Down a Gorilla
- Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
- May 2
- 5 min read
Updated: May 7
The Heat, Dolphins, Marlins, and Panthers can take down a gorilla, no problem.
You know the debate. 100 dudes vs. one gorilla. Who wins? This has taken the internet by storm and has been the stimulus to some genuinely funny takes. I can’t get enough of the 100 v. Gorilla debate.
For what it’s worth, I think the 100 guys win easily, even if it’s 100 average Joes and not 100 Brock Lesnars or something. I’m not sure what the official setup would be, but if the 100 guys can surround the gorilla, then charge all at once, I think it’s a wrap. This way, the humans have no way of knowing who’s going down first, so you won’t have people shitting their pants and running away once the first guy gets his arms ripped off or something. If you all rush at the same time, the gorilla would have something like 10-20 people decking him from behind during the initial impact, so right there he’s getting knocked over. Then I think you have to go for the head, try to concuss it. Or maybe kick it in the balls as hard as you can. It’s probably over after that.
I think this plan works and in some alternate universe where something like this actually happens, I like to imagine I have been named offensive coordinator.
If we’re playing the game where we pick a Dream Team to take down Donkey Kong, however, here are my 100. There’s a caveat; I’m only using professional athletes who have played for Miami (or South Florida) professional sports teams. The Heat, Dolphins, Marlins, and Panthers. I’m taking them as they were when they played for these teams, not them in the present moment. I’m not picking any soccer players, sorry.
Florida/Miami Marlins
Giancarlo Stanton. Duh.
Gaby Sanchez. For this clip.
Jose Ureña. Feel like he’s a little crazy.
Ugueth Urbina. I know he’s a little crazy.
Justin Bour. 6’4”, 270 lbs. Need as much mass as we can get.
Dan Uggla. Forearms the size of four arms.
Monte Harrison. Maybe the best pure athlete of all the Marlins.
Antonio Alfonseca. 6’5”, 250 lbs. And we know he has huge hands.
Josh Johnson. Need the size and length.
Gary Sheffield. Pure aggression.
Marcell Ozuna…also pure aggression.
Sean West. Size of an NBA power forward.
Mark Hendrickson. An actual NBA power forward.
Robb Nen. No nonsense. Nothing but heat.
Todd Jones. I can’t keep that Fu Manchu out of the lineup.
Donnie Murphy. He’ll find a way to have the game-winning punch or something.
Hee-Seop Choi. Any big, strong first baseman is welcome on my squad.
Carlos Delgado. Here’s another of those.
Derrek Lee. And another.
Hanley Ramirez. As long as he tries his hardest.
Reggie Abercrombie. The original Monte Harrison.
Emilio Bonifacio. Run circles around the gorilla. Get it dizzy.
Juan Pierre. Same reasoning as above.
Jose Reyes. Another speedster.
Ivan Rodriguez. Not sure how, but I know Pudge can help in some way.
Carter Capps. The Grim Leaper is 6’5” with an arm like a bazooka.
Derek Dietrich. Shredded. Wore fastballs like they were ping pong balls.
Craig Counsell. Can confuse the gorilla with his batting stance.
Wes Helms. A professional approach to fighting a gorilla.
Miami Heat
James Johnson. 6’7”, 240 lbs. Karate black belt and undefeated kickboxer. Easy pick.
Udonis Haslem. Pure grit.
Chris “Birdman” Andersen. Same reasoning as Ureña.
Shaquille O’Neal. Self-explanatory.
Alonzo Mourning. Ask Jeff Van Gundy how strong he is.
Joel Anthony. Hated this guy on the Heat but he was pretty jacked.
Brian Grant. 6’9” and tough as a two-dollar steak.
LeBron James. No fouls here, so no need to sell anything. Use your size and speed.
Hassan Whiteside. Guy was built like Dwight Howard at one point.
P.J. Brown. A true grinder. And 6’11”.
Justise Winslow. Not being able to shoot won’t hurt you here.
Dexter Pittman. Way too tall and heavy to leave out.
Eddy Curry. See above.
Shane Battier. Like having a coach on the field.
Rony Seikaly. Need the Spin Doctor. Helps that he’s 6’11”.
James Posey. The Heat love hard-nosed, undersized forwards.
P.J. Tucker. Here, have another.
Jimmy Butler. As long as he’s satisfied with the supporting cast.
Dan Majerle. No one outworks Thunder Dan.
Bam Adebayo. Can be physical or be athletic.
Grant Long. Throw those goggles on and let’s get to work.
Andre Iguodala. I want Iguodala!
Miami Dolphins
Lousaka Polite. Nothing but horsepower. 4th and inches, just give him the ball.
Larry Csonka. One of the all-time greats. Brute force for four quarters.
Jim Kiick. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Csonka) go together.
Richie Incognito. We need a little nastiness.
Zach Thomas. Undersized, but makes all the big-time plays.
Reshad Jones. Hard-hitter with some speed.
Cam Wake. An even harder hitter who’s also 265 lbs.
Randy Starks. Put him next to Wake and watch the magic happen.
Jason Taylor. 6’6” with crazy long arms.
Robert Hunt. 6’6”, 325 lbs. Willing to do whatever it takes.
Keith Traylor. 340 lbs. The Tractor Traylor is a shoo-in.
Brandon Marshall. As long as he doesn’t start bitching about something.
Doug Betters. 6’7”, 265 lbs. Did nothing but wreak havoc.
Tyreek Hill. Gorillas can’t catch cheetahs. Tire it out.
Jay Ajayi. With healthy knees.
Ricky Williams. Smoke whatever you need to smoke before this game, Ricky.
Ronnie Brown. Can a wildcat take down a gorilla?
Jake Long. Massive. Should’ve been a HOFer.
Joey Porter. Unstoppable when he’s locked in.
Paul Soliai. We’ll need every bit of those 344 lbs.
Wes Welker. Simply unbreakable.
Adewale Ogunleye. Never should’ve traded him.
Manny Fernandez. The OG nose tackle.
Bob Baumhower. Cut from the same cloth as Manny.
Mike Pouncey. The second-best Pouncey. Still a stud.
Christian Wilkins. Hell of an athlete for being 315 lbs.
Kalen Ballage. Two yards and a cloud of dust works in this scenario.
Daniel Thomas. Three yards and a cloud of dust works in this scenario.
Ryan Fitzpatrick. Who’s tougher? Who’s smarter? Who’s got more screws loose?
Richmond Webb. Protected Marino like a champ. Also a giant.
Kiko Alonso. If you want a little recklessness, Kiko’s your man.
Earl Morrall. If someone dies (likely), there’s no better fill-in.
Anthony Fasano. 258 lbs. of toughness.
Jay Feely. Purely in charge of kicking the gorilla once it’s down.
Matt Turk. Same idea. Helps that he was 6’5”, 250 lbs.
Florida Panthers
Peter Worrell. 6’7”. One of the great Panther goons.
Paul Laus. Maybe the fighting GOAT. The Law could throw serious hands.
Scott Mellanby. He killed a rat that one time. Who’s to say he can’t kill a gorilla?
Jaromir Jagr. He’ll find a way. You can never count him out.
Niko Mikkola. There will be no fines for physical play here.
Darcy Hordichuk. A guy named Darcy Hordichuk sounds like he can fight. He can.
Aaron Ekblad. Keep those elbows flying, baby.
Gregory Campbell. Soupy was never afraid to drop the gloves.
Rhett Warrener. Neither was Rhett Warrener.
Ed Jovanoski. JovoCop? Yes please.
Jonah Gadjovich. One of the hardest hitters there is.
Sam Bennett. A wrecking ball on the ice.
Shawn Thornton. No one crosses Thorny and gets away with it.
Sergei Bobrovsky. Same reasoning as Pudge Rodriguez. Just feel like he can help.
You’re going down, Mighty Joe Young.
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