Jose Altuve Can't Be Serious

Jose Altuve asked to be moved out of the leadoff position for the Astros. Why? You won't believe it.

One of the biggest offseason storylines when it comes to MLB stars involved Jose Altuve. The longtime Houston Astros second baseman, whose résumé includes an MVP award, two World Series championships, nine All-Star Game selections, seven Silver Sluggers, and a Gold Glove, was being moved to left field, a position he’s never played at any level of professional baseball. 

2025 So Far

Early results have been a mixed bag. He looked atrocious in Spring Training. But through a month of the regular season, he’s already been worth two Outs Above Average (OAA), which is very good. That’s him as a literal fielder, as in, tracking down and catching batted balls. His arm, which is graded separately, is horrific. You probably could have expected as much when a guy goes from making the shortest throws in the field from 2B, to making some of the longest throws in the field from LF. Maybe he just needs some time to build up arm strength. All in all, he’s been average to below-average in his first stint in the outfield. Could be worse. 

His bat has also been so-so, which will not work for him or the Astros. His defensive contributions have long been suspect, which is part of the reason they were willing to move him to a new position. With the bat, though? That’s where he makes his money. His .272/.311/.396 slash line thus far is decent, but far below his standards. 

What could the culprit be? Is he just a 34-year-old knocking off the rust? Is something off mechanically? Is he dealing with an injury? Well, according to Altuve himself, the reason he’s struggling, at least in part, is because he has to run from left field to the dugout between innings and sometimes this doesn’t give him enough time to get fully ready before he has to hit. That’s why he asked Astros manager Joe Espada to take him out of the leadoff spot.

I thought this was a joke. Some of the people I sent this news to also thought it was a joke. It’s real. 

An Insane Excuse

There’s so much wrong with this. How can you show up to the ballpark prepared to tell your manager that your wittle wegs won’t carry you to the dugout fast enough for you to get ready? My man, this is not an issue. Plenty of leadoff hitters have played left field. Shit, the GREATEST leadoff hitter of all time in Rickey Henderson played left field. What the hell are you even talking about?

Also, how often does this affect Altuve? If the Astros are home and he is hitting first, then yes, he will have to make the perilous voyage from left field to the first base dugout of Daikin Park after the third out of the top of the 1st inning is recorded. If the Astros are playing on the road, though, they’ll be hitting first. Will he be able to lead off in those games? Right there you have half the schedule where he won’t predictably face this “problem.” I say predictably, because there’s no way of knowing when Altuve will be leading off an inning after the 1st.

Nightmare Scenario

Let’s say it’s the top of the 4th and the opposing batter lifts a deep fly ball towards the Crawford Boxes in LF. Altuve turns and zips towards the warning track, making the out with a running catch. But oh no! It appears the Astros’ new first batter made the third out in the bottom of the 3rd! That means Altuve is set to lead off the bottom of the 4th, and to boot, he now has to run like 50 extra feet after making that catch! This can’t be. This simply cannot stand. 

How can this MLB player of 15 years be expected to perform after making such a long and arduous trek? Did they expect Frodo to lead off the next inning after he travelled from The Shire to the fires of Mount Doom in the heart of Mordor? No. He got the rest he so deserved. As Altuve himself said, “I just need like 10 more seconds.” Joe Espada should be able to throw a “Like 10 More Seconds” flag out of the dugout when Altuve is set to lead off. Give him three to use throughout the game, just in case. 

This Stays Between Us, Skip

If I was Jose Altuve and I genuinely felt like this slightly longer jog was affecting me, I’d find a way to mitigate it. Maybe have the batboy bring my stuff out in front of the dugout so it’s waiting for me when I get there. If that still didn’t work, I definitely would’ve kept this wholly embarrassing request to myself. No way I’m admitting I can’t handle the grind of running from left field to the dugout. 

Jeremy Peña seems to be the new guy at the top of the order for the Astros. Maybe this will spark Altuve, let’s see. My fantasy team certainly needs it. 

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